Fatal Mistakes
by muldy
Summary: 'I shouldn't have let her do it,' he handed me a photo. 'My instinct told me it wouldn't work…' Tessa's POV on a broken-hearted Chakotay.


I watched the forlorn man hunched over the bar, curiosity striking me. He was definitely handsome - grey hair, a worn face and somehow familiar, but it wasn't like me to focus so much on a random stranger. My co-workers were talking to me but I'd stopped hearing them a while ago, my attention drawn away by this mysterious man.

The strangest part was that he wasn't even drinking, just sipping on orange juice –I'd watched the bartender pour it to confirm my suspicion – and staring blankly at the wall of alcohol bottles in front of him.

I excused myself from my friends and walked over to the man, only realising who he was as I sat down on the barstool next to him.

This was the famous Commander Chakotay, one of two survivors of Voyager's crew that returned to earth twelve years earlier.

He turned to me in confusion as I sat down, not saying anything, suddenly realising my mistake.

'Yes?' he asked, his tone not entirely friendly.

'I came over here to ask why a good looking guy like you would be drinking orange juice alone in a bar on a Tuesday night…' I trailed off.

'But then you sat down and recognised me and now you wish you hadn't bothered,' he turned back to his drink and took another sip. 'It's okay, you can leave.'

'Actually you inspired me to lay off the alcohol for the rest of the night,' I smiled at him and signalled the bartender, ordering him another and one for myself.

He watched me, curious, not speaking for a few moments.

'So what's the occasion?' he asked.

I looked back at him, surprised he was making conversation.

'The occasion?' I frowned.

He nodded back at my group of friends.

'Oh, my co-worker got engaged,' I replied. 'But we aren't that close, so mostly I've been sitting over there awkwardly making small talk.'

'Are you sure you don't need something more in that drink?' he smiled slightly and I couldn't help but notice the dimples in his cheeks.

The bartender placed two tumblers in front of us and I smiled a thanks, then picked up my drink, holding it out to Chakotay.

'Well, cheers to sitting quietly in the corner,' I said.

He clinked his glass against mine. 'That's something I can cheers to.'

* * *

It was two weeks later, on a Sunday night, that I found him in the bar again. He wasn't sober this time, in fact, he was far from it – although a slight smile did spread across his face as he saw me.

'Orange juice girl,' he greeted me.

'I see you've moved on to stronger things,' I joked in response.

His smile faded, his eyes shifting to a calendar sitting behind the bar. 'I save the stronger things for drowning out the stronger pain.'

I glanced at the calendar, wondering what significance the date might have. May 20th.

'Kathryn Janeway's birthday,' he said simply, reading my mind.

'Oh,' I replied softly, although I didn't quite understand the context at that moment. 'I have a dinner with a guy, but once that's done how about I join you for a drink?'

He hesitated for a moment, I could almost see the clogs ticking in his brain, then he nodded in silence.

An hour and 23 minutes later I returned to his corner of the bar, unimpressed with the guy I had just wasted my time with. By then Chakotay was significantly drunker than he had been when we'd first spoken – I'd watched him knock his drink over twice and almost fallen off his chair at least three times.

'So what's your choice of painkiller?' I asked.

'Antarian cider,' he replied.

'I don't know what that is…' I replied.

'They don't serve it here, I've been stuck with scotch all night,' he slurred.

After a few moments he looked up at me and for the first time I saw past the wall he had obviously practiced keeping up.

'Do you want to try Antarian cider? I have a bottle at home I've been saving for a moment like this,' he said.

* * *

'I shouldn't have let her do it,' he handed me a photo. 'My instinct told me it wouldn't work…'

I recognised everyone in it, but this was different. I had only ever seen photos of the Voyager crew in uniform, on duty, official. This image was different, it looked like some kind of fun celebration, and he had his arm around the Captain, they were both smiling. Comfortable.

Suddenly I understood.

This wasn't just about Voyager.

I turned, watching Chakotay as he stumbled towards another shelf, grabbing an unfamiliar bottle. He followed it up with collecting two cups from the cupboard, neither appropriate for drinking alcohol, and placed them on the table.

He didn't pour either of them a drink.

Instead he collapsed into the sofa, gripping the closed bottle tightly.

'Were you together?' I said the words before thinking them through.

The look he shot me was one of complete and utter heartbreak.

'If only I had been so lucky,' he whispered the response. 'We were…'

He stopped, gaze drifting back to the bottle as he carefully placed it on the table between them.

'I loved her,' he spoke calmly, but his eyes gave him away. 'We had moments, we were together the night before…'

Taking a deep breath he turned his attention back to me.

'I shouldn't have invited you here today, my apologies,' he continued. 'This isn't a side of me I want people to see. Particularly people whose names I don't even know…'

'Tessa,' I replied.

'Tessa, why are you here?'

I took a seat next to him, touching his arm lightly. 'Because I saw someone who needed help.'

'And here I was assuming you just thought I was handsome,' he laughed to himself.

'You are,' I replied, smiling. 'But this doesn't feel like the right time to bring that up.'

He reached out and took my hand lightly, squeezing it for a moment.

'Thank you, Tessa,' he replied. 'I needed someone just to be here today.'

'I haven't really done anything…'

'You let me talk about her,' he said simply. 'I never get to talk about Kathryn without it being centred around mission reports and what went wrong and media interviews.'

'I can't even imagine what it's like to lose someone you love like that…'

'I'm glad that you can't,' he replied. 'I wouldn't wish this feeling upon anyone else.'

He fell silent, his gaze focused intently on the bottle of alcohol that lay untouched. I had nothing more I could say, but I watched the range of emotions play on his face. Anger. Sorrow. Every now and then the slight hint of a smile.

When he finally fell asleep I covered him with a blanket and let myself out.

* * *

It was two months later that he kissed me, without warning. Sunday nights had become our thing, we hung out and had dinner. I wasn't sure why at first, but I realised quickly that this was something he had done with her, it was a comfort blanket for him.

And then after one particular dinner I went to kiss him goodbye on the cheek and instead he met my lips with his, pulling me close with one hand, a finger from the other lightly tracing the side of my face.

We made it to the bedroom before he stopped all of a sudden, rolling onto his back and taking a deep breath. He reached up and wiped a tear from his face before looking back at me, apologetic.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered.

I placed an arm loosely around his bare waist. 'Chakotay, it's okay.'

'I don't know if I can do this,' he continued. 'I don't know if I can move on…'

'Don't move on,' I replied, quietly, kissing his cheek lightly. 'And there's no rush.'

He placed a hand on top of mine and squeezed it, his breathing erratic as he tried to stop the tears.

I wasn't going to tell him but I was falling for him, I knew I was always going to take second place to Kathryn Janeway, but that was okay.

I just wished that there was something, anything, that I could do to ease his heartbreak.

* * *

Harry Kim gave me a more-than-suspicious glance as he sat opposite us at the table. I had been excited to meet the famous Harry Kim after two years of hearing Chakotay talk about him, but he seemed less than enthused to meet me.

'I thought it was just us,' he said after a few moments.

'She's trustworthy, Harry,' Chakotay replied, taking my hand.

'Oh I see,' Harry responded, watching our hands.

'I'll give you a moment,' I said, reading the distrust in Harry's eyes,

I stood up and wandered around the now-familiar bar. I couldn't tell what they were talking about, but as I glanced back I watched Chakotay's face light up with something I hadn't seen since we met.

Hope.

I didn't ask him that night what they had discussed, but for the first time since we'd met he almost seemed happy.

And that was enough for me.

* * *

'You're going to _what_?'

I rushed through the science in my head – would that even work? Did the plan make sense?

It did.

In a way.

But it was extremely risky.

'I'm not asking for you to join me, but I need to do this, Tessa…' he said.

'If you're going, I'm going,' I replied.

'We may not survive,' he continued.

'Then I'm not going to stay here on Earth and mourn you the way you've mourned her for fourteen years,' I shot back.

He hesitated for a long moment and I knew he was trying to read how serious I was.

'I love you, Chakotay, you know that right?' I whispered. 'I'm not just here because you're handsome.'

His face broke out in a smile, but one filled with tears, and he reached out and lightly touched my cheek with the back of his hand.

'I…' he hesitated. 'Tessa, people don't love me.'

'I'm sure she loved you,' I replied.

'If she did, she never told me.'

And my heart broke for him as he said it, so simply, as though it was a fact he had just accepted in his life, not something that could be changed.

'Chakotay, if she didn't love you she was an idiot, and from what I know about Kathryn Janeway she's no idiot…'

He didn't reply, just pulled me into a hug and held me there for longer than I could keep track of. I hadn't expected him to return the sentiment, I knew where his heart lay, but the feeling of him holding me like that was all I needed.

'I won't ask you to come with me,' he said as he pulled out of the hug. 'But if you choose to come, I won't stop you either. I just need you to understand it's dangerous.'

'I understand that,' I replied. 'But if this is what you want to do, I'm there with you. And I think I can help.'

* * *

He didn't panic about it until the day we left.

'Are you sure you want to come? This isn't your mistake to fix,' he reminded me.

'You can't stop me, and you need me,' I replied, attempting to walk past him.

'I don't want to lose another person I love,' he said quietly.

I looked up at him, meeting his eyes, surprised at his confession.

'You won't lose me, because we're going to be successful in our mission, and then this timeline will never exist,' I reminded him.

'And we'll never have met,' he replied.

'But you'll have her,' I reminded him. 'And who knows? Maybe we'll still get to know each other at some point in the future.'

I didn't let him reply, I walked onto the shuttle and took a seat behind Harry Kim.

He sat next to me, and as we took off he reached out and squeezed my hand.

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome,' I replied.

'Not just for this, for everything…'

'Don't make me phaser you both so I don't have to listen to this sap the entire trip.'

While Harry was half-joking, I was sure he wasn't overly fond of me.

'Aye, aye, Captain,' Chakotay replied.

And he genuinely laughed, something that still came as a surprise to me after all this time.

I knew this could be the end, we could fail and end up in prison, or we could succeed and erase our timeline completely, but I didn't care. I wanted him to be happy, to be the Chakotay that I had glimpses of, but never truly got to know.

A Chakotay who had never lost the love of his life.

Even if that meant I was losing mine.


End file.
